Who I am vs. Who I became (August 8, 2017)

This part of my life, the past couple of years, have been and still are about self-discovery and self-awareness.  It is a heady thing.  I find that I battle careening between emotional extremes.  In one moment, I feel excited and exhilarated, thrilled and invigorated at learning and becoming aware of some new aspect of myself; the next, I am drained, exhausted, sad and completely spent. 

Before I go any further I want to stop and talk about my journey thus far and the methods I have incorporated.  I wish there wasn’t such a stigma related to mental health.  We take seriously our physical health and don’t judge or condemn people for getting regular physicals and dental check-ups.  Our mental health and well-being should be at least as important.  The world we live in is hectic, stressful and sometimes traumatic.  If we maintained a minimum level of mental health awareness, providing ourselves with regular check-ups, I firmly believe that we would be better off. 

That being said, I believe I started this road to self-discovery a long time ago.  I can think back on a timeline of my life and see events that were most likely seeds planted in the beginning of my process.  I can also pinpoint the catalyst that propelled me head-long into my self-discovery.  As traumatic as it was, as painful as the process was at times, the result has been an introduction to myself – the lost me that was banished to the shadows, sometimes lashing out like an injured child, wreaking spiteful havoc in my life in tsunami-like waves; causing momentary shock, then retreating as suddenly as it came, leaving a path of destruction and injury.  Sometimes the devastation was random, injuring others around me and/or many times, undenounced to me, causing injury to myself.

Finding someone to talk to is no small feat.  Trying to match your needs with insurance and flex plan requirements as well as schedules and personality types…it is quite a daunting task.  I honestly called probably 40 different providers and met with a total of 6 different people until I found the person with whom I aligned most similarly with.  It is a lot to consider.  It is important to have relatively similar world, life and belief views.  Meaning, if you don’t put any stock in working with body energy and holistic balancing, you would probably want to avoid someone who’s practice is centered around that type of work and seek out a more conventional practice.  I found personal recommendations from like-minded friends and associates to be very helpful.  After a little bit of trial and error, I was fortunate to find someone that really meshed well into my life.  But I digress…

I am happy to share, with anyone that asks, my experience.  I would highly recommend that anyone be willing to invest the time, money and effort into themselves.  It only makes sense to me that as life goes on, we change and grow.  If we are honest, that can mean needing new skill sets.  And, if you are like me, I’ve come to realize as I get older that I am a bit off track and may have been off track for a long while…since I was very young. 

At the suggestion of my therapist, I recently did EMDR therapy.  I decided to do it to delve a little bit deeper into myself and gain an understanding of why I do what I do and how my patterns developed.  The goal was to consciously create new patterns that better align with who I am finding out I really am in my self-discovery.  Deciding to proceed with this type of therapy was more than just a simple decision.  The process was well worth the time and effort, but it required that I make a commitment to myself to see the process through to the end.  And it was worth it.  I would recommend this type of therapy to anyone who is looking to understand themselves and connect and better understand who they are and why they react and operate like they do.  What I learned was invaluable to me!  As I found out, there can be a vast chasm between who we are at our core and who we develop into. 

We all develop in a manner that is a result of many variables – environment, upbringing, events, circumstance – too many to count, I suppose.  However, I also believe that there is an innate, intrinsic part of each person that is the anchoring core of their being.  My whole life, I’ve said of myself that I was outgoing, confident, responsible, positive, talkative, independent and caring.  I hardly remember a time that I didn’t feel responsible to defend the defenseless, to champion the down-trodden, to take charge and the lead where others shy away, to create a plan of action, to be sensible, and or to set a good example. 

Thinking back to many of the childhood lessons that I learned, the ones that stuck with me and the words of my parents that whisper to me even today, I find I am still guided by the words I heard throughout my formidable years such as:  "take the high road," "be the better person," "act responsibly," "compromise," "forgive and forget," "show compassion," “think before you act,” “consider other people’s feelings first” and “set a good example.”   And one that I believe is probably literally etched into the bone of my thick skull right between my eyes, “Remember who you are, who you represent and the consequences of your actions.”      

 I've always been that responsible person because that is simply what was expected of me.  Somewhere along the line, it became who I was.  Not just within my family, but to fiends, teachers, other children’s parents, elders in the community…to everyone.  It is what others expected of me.  And so, that is who I was.  Responsible, in control, standing up for and sticking my neck out for what was right at all costs to myself or otherwise. 

In all honesty, it sucked!  Everyone always thought that I was older than I was.  I handled responsibility with ease.  I was solid in a crunch.  I was reliable, considerate and worked to act and behave as I wanted others to treat and interact with me.  I gave what I wanted to receive, believing that I could not expect from others what I myself couldn’t offer.  I strove for good grades, a good attitude, strong convictions, all in the hopes of pleasing others.  It wasn’t care-free or whimsical.  I didn’t want to always be the one to have to think ahead, to plan, to be responsible, to consider the consequences.  It was hard work.  It was stressful, difficult…and lonely.

In considering what was instilled in me, I can objectively see the benefits that come from teaching a child respect, responsibility, an understanding of consequences and good ethics.  However, as I come to better understand myself, what I am realizing is that none of this served me well.  If I am inherently empathic, the rigidness of the standards set before me and encouraged, fed the wrong things in my makeup.  And even more detrimental, what I gave out was not returned to me ten-fold as I anticipated.  My efforts were expected, not appreciated or praised.  What I considered strength, was in fact, my weakness.  I cared and felt things deeply, and others preyed on that as a way to manipulate me.  Some of that manipulation was most likely unintentional, but harmful just the same. 

At this point in my life, I find myself scanning my life experiences, like scrolling pages in a microfiche.  I recognize what became my modus operandi from an early age.  With an objective eye, I can see that who I became was, in reality, quite different from who I really am.   I can also see the effects that has had on me and events in my life over the years. 

Hind-sight being 20/20 and all, it is easy to see how skewed my course became as a result.  It makes me sad to consider what would have been different if I had connected with my true self earlier, or better yet, if I would have been able to avoid the strapping of all that responsibility on my back to begin with.  I can undoubtedly say that my patterns didn’t serve me well.  I don't feel better about myself because of all the things I've overlooked, conceded or compromised in the name of peace.  I feel weak and ashamed that I’ve let people run over me and worse that the outcome has usually been to my detriment.  It seems ridiculous that it has taken me until well over the age of 40 to learn that I am not responsible for other people and their actions.  I don't have to just let things go for the sake of empathy and peace.  Nope....I don't like being a door mat for people because they sense that I care about relationships. 

And so, I believe it is time to change my M.O.  I’ve taken the first steps in the process.  I’ve been learning about myself and re-connecting with a part of myself that has lived in the shadows for a very long time.  I’m amazed at what I have discovered and ready to understand what it all means for me!