Imposed Timelines or My Own Guidepost - Which am I following? (8/14/2018)

As I get older, I think about the timelines and guideposts that I use to gauge success in my life.  I often think about what I knew (at least what I thought I knew) and what I know now.  I think it is evolutionary.  Life continues on and, (if we are actually living our lives), we learn and grow as we go along. 

I’ve always had an independent mind.  I have always felt as though I was fairly sure of who I was.  I knew what I wanted and where I was going.  Looking back, I can see the goal posts that I set and the timelines that I created and followed – sometimes almost blindly and to my detriment.  The only saving grace that I can glean from the bumps, bruises and failures I survived along the way is the realization that it is all part of the story that makes up who I am today. 

When I think about the timelines that are imposed on us and how rigid they can be, I can’t help but consider where they came from and how I adopted them as my own.  Who felt so self-important so as to define the timelines that many of us work and live by?  And, why do we feel so obligated to follow said timelines as if the parameters that someone else set up are the measure of true success? 

I suppose that there are many influences that make up what become our self-imposed, life timelines - our family, our friends, world events, personal likes and dislikes, tragedies endured, blessings received, mistakes made, horrors survived, joys bestowed – there are probably too many variables to count.  But, I wonder why we do it to ourselves.  Why do we take random circumstances and make them into guidelines that may not fit us as individuals? Are we scared?  Are we lazy?  I would hope that we are at the very minimum creating and adopting timelines that are a collection of bits and pieces from all the influences in our lives – a collection that is molded into a guide for our individual truths.  Speaking from personal experience, I don’t think that is always the case.  I have found myself feeling “less than” as a result of measuring myself up against some pretty treacherous and outlandish standards – standards that aren’t really based on my ideals, but that have somehow seeped into my consciousness while I was unaware.  Let me tell you, that is not a great realization.  I felt manipulated, controlled and not at peace with where I was nor where I was heading.  That is disconcerting.  So I’ve had to step back and evaluate the timelines that I’m blindly following, comparing them to what I intuitively know to be what “I” want, vs. what I am told to want. 

I’m come to an interesting realization:  I need to be more concerned with constantly recalibrating myself.  This will enable me to learn, understand and trust my own feelings and intuitions as the guidepost in my life. 

A simple, imposed timeline won’t cut it for me.   And, as far as I can tell, time isn’t necessarily the best marker for change.  Life changes in an instant.  We have all experienced proof of that in our individual lives.  So, why are any of us naïve enough to think that it is a one-size fits all kind of life that we should be living.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I DO NOT want to be squished into a mold and be classified as a follower.  Nope.  That isn’t for me.  I don’t need to conquer the world and revel in power or status, but I do need to feel as though I am being true to myself. 

Here are some of the questions that keep me wondering:

• What is my guidepost? 
• How often should I be recalibrating and assessing my path?
• How do I know if I’m following my intuitions or following the crowd? 
• Is it ok to sometimes fall in-step with others or is that a sign of weakness?  Of laziness?
• Is it obsessive to think about these things at all?
• Am I losing my mind?  (Ok….don’t answer that one – I don’t want to know!)

 (((sigh)))