GREAT, BIG Emotion! (Thursday, 9/27/2018)

This morning, as I stood with fellow co-workers in the common area of our firm watching the live testimony of Christine Blasey Ford.  At one point, I looked up questioningly as the woman next to me handed me a napkin.  It took me a moment to realize that her offering was in response to the tears that were streaming down my face.  I was taken aback at the realization that I had been moved to the point of tears – tears spurred by emotion so powerful that it would not be denied, even in the face of possible public humiliation. 

I was suddenly very aware of the fact that I was not centered in my reality.  You may know the feeling; the feeling that you are watching yourself and events around you from above - in an almost dream-like state.  It was a surreal moment that was very disorienting.  I decided to step away to re-group and clear my head.  I wondered down the hallway toward my desk taking in a number of sights and hearing bits of many conversations around the office.  The sensation was as though I was hearing words through a water bubble and looking at images as I floated past them as though they were on display in a museum.  I heard comments such as this one that stuck out:  “I can’t imagine one attorney in the U.S getting much of anything done today.” 

As I moved through the office, one particular sight caused me to stop and stare as the importance of what I was seeing hit me.  I walked past a conference room to observe 4 female attorneys gathered together to work from their laptops while watching the Ford hearing that was being flashed on multiple screens in the room.  I stood there a moment too long – staring – as the importance of what I was seeing began to seep beneath the bubble that I was coming to realize I have cast about myself in recent days.  A bubble that I instinctively created to guard and protect myself.  As their gazes shifted from their computers and the T.V. screens to me on the other side of the glass, (with what was probably a very undiscernible look on my face), I realized how awkward my presence may have been.  So, I offered a quick smile before dropping my eyes and moving quickly past.  And while the sensation of other-worldliness around me was diminishing, something else was overcoming me.  I was feeling quite physically ill. 

As the day played on, I found that most of my co-workers, male and female, gathered together throughout the day in common areas to work, watch, comment, discuss and offer silent support to each other.  As the morning’s testimony closed, I was unsure if I wanted to watch the afternoon testimony of Brent Kavanaugh.  However, my deeply ingrained sense of fairness and justice won out and I did in fact watch every moment of his testimony, thinking it only fair to hear both sides despite the overwhelming desire I had to simply shut it out.  However, I firmly believe that my decisions and opinions have to be based in more than emotion, and my emotion was hanging over me like a thick fog. 

As the afternoon testimony came to a close, I felt as though you could feel the collective sign of a weary and worn mass.  Our country is tired.  The resilience of our citizens is fatigued.  We, (collectively) have spent the past two years striving to push forward and maintain personal dignity as we face an onslaught of inappropriate, unethical, demoralizing behavior from those in positions of power.   We have been surfeited with lies, deceit, hate, bigotry, discrimination, abuse and manipulation.  We are weary.  I am weary. 

At this last statement – (‘I am weary’) - I can’t help but think of Emma Lazarus’ words:  “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.  Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:  I lift my lamp beside the golden door.” 

I hang my head, with numb disgrace, and think that I am loathe to find that these words are being made such a mockery of today.  Not only to people outside our borders, but also to the citizens of this great Country whose forefathers fought and died so that generations to come could live without the weight of a government that ruled as an Autocracy, Oligarchy, Theocracy or by means of Fascism. 

It seems simple to me.  What is happening in our country today, the plague of hostility, the hate, the deceit, the degrading of differences (gender, race, religion), the mocking of others…  This is not who I am… This is NOT who “we” are. 

Do you recall these three words?  “We the People…”  It goes on to say, “…of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, to ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” 

Justice?  Domestic Tranquility??  General Welfare???  Our Country is most certainly NOT looking out for the well-being of our Posterity.  Our leaders are looking out for themselves.  Our leaders are not leading.  I don’t see that any of them are provide an inspiring vision of the future in any sense.  Our leaders are not protecting the earth, our country, our allies, our reputation or our future.  And our citizens – We the People – we too are being trampled and cast aside. 

There are two phenomenon that put us on the verge of catastrophic chaos as they continue to unravel our society.  1.  Regression:  There has been massive regression of civil, labor, race, human and gender rights.  2.  Lack of Empathy:  In recent months, not only has there been a serious shift in empathy for others, but there has been a new breed of hate that has reared its ugly head;  That which is so self-absorbed as to believe that individuals are not only entitled to their hate, but free of the consequences of their actions and/or the responsibility to learn and progress in society.  And, what should frighten us all – what should move us to action – is that this behavior is not condemned but incited and condoned by our leaders.   

The I am physically ill as a result of the state in which we find our country.  I am disgusted that the politics of our country have reduced us to this.  I am horrified that we watched the testimony of a victim become means in which to advance a political agenda.  I am disgusted that We the People, (as a whole and including the other human beings sitting on the Senate), are not, at a bare minimum, up in arms that the temperament alone of Mr. Kavanaugh, who is applying to be a judge of people for the REST OF HIS LIFE, is not of serious concern. 

Our government is meant to represent the people.  I do not believe that our government and the politics that are being “played” are in the best interests of the people of our great country.  I am angry that I am being used as a game piece in a game in which I do not wish to play.  I am not a play thing.  

The topic of our failing Government is monumental.  I know it is a problem, but I also feel very small in the big picture.  It isn’t that I don’t believe that I can make a difference.  I know that I can make a difference.  What concerns me, is that I am tired.  I feel trampled and weary.  I am down-trodden as a result of what I would call crimes against any humanity – all genders, all races, all minorities, all religions, ALL people – at the hands of those who have forsaken their responsibility to care for us.  Or maybe they never knew what their responsibility was to begin with.  However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t or shouldn’t demand more from our leaders and our Government. 

I deserve more.  You deserve more.  WE THE PEOPLE DESERVE MORE!