Self: Actual, Ideal & Ought (December 26, 2018)

I find myself very “in” my own head this time of year.  There is a sadness to the close of a year that makes me a bit melancholy.  I suppose my age is doing that to me.  I don’t recall if I’ve always felt this way, or if I am just more aware of the fleeting nature of time as I get older.  Regardless, the events of the past 12 months tend to play through my thoughts as I sit judge and jury to my life. 

I’m not one to wallow in regrets.  As a matter of fact, I think I can count on one hand the things that I truly regret.  I don’t know if it was something I learned or if it was innately part of who I am, but I have always realized that my life belonged to me.  I understood that I would be pounding out my own path.  This has often meant that I have made choices knowing that I would, as a result, have to face the world and any impending consequences independently.  But I’ve never doubted that I could handle what came my way.  It isn’t that I don’t “count the cost” – I do, for the most part.  But, I have always had a keen sense of not only what feels right and wrong to me, but of what I want and that I am capable of making it happen.  I am aware of the risks, but I rarely hesitate, making my way confidently down my path. 

I like this season in my life.  I like the freedom that I feel in my soul.  It is a comfortable place, despite the fact that it is far from what I thought it would be.  Life is funny like that, I suppose.  I wonder what a 24 year old me (without the experiences I’ve had in past 20 years) would think if I woke up tomorrow morning in this life I am living today.  Would I be shocked at the person that I have become?  Would my youthful convictions feel short-changed or would they find a sense of fulfillment?  Would I find reason to be regretful of who and where I am without the knowledge of how it came about, or would I still find comfort in where I am?  Would I be able to justify and reconcile my ideal and ought self with who I actually am today? 

I am a veritable mead of all my selves.  I am part qualities that I believe that I possess, (actual self).  I am part qualities that I desire to be, (ideal self).  And, I am part person I feel I should have been (ought self) based on responsibilities and obligations I’ve bound myself to.  I suppose these parts should all be equally represented, but, knowing a bit more about the type of person that I am, I would venture that my ought self has sucked up most of my “self” band width.  When I think about it, I don’t think that is really all that odd.  Our society tends to skew our outlook without our even knowing it.  We live in a world in which we are constantly assaulted with ideals that are conceived and enforced by others.  We constantly hear the call:  “Do you want to be happy and have a great life?  Follow this rule!  Eat this food!  Drive this car!  Wear these clothes!  Live here!  Travel there!  Buy this!  Sell that!”  We constantly take in stimuli and make decisions with our ought selves and for the most part, the qualities associated with our ought selves don’t really matter.  Those choices and decisions tend to have minimal impact on the big picture. 

I believe that the big, important picture of my existence is made up of my dreams and aspirations and in these live my actual and ideal self - the me that connects to my soul; the me that is pure and uncontaminated by human tendencies; the me that is pure energy.  So, I can’t help but be dumbfounded by, and wonder why it is that we are more inclined to listen to others before listening to the voice within?  Why do we find it easier to let our dreams and aspirations go unrealized and unfulfilled.  How did we become more equipped and more inclined to cope with failures related to our duties and responsibilities verses failures to live up to our goals and aspirations in life?  How has it slipped out attention that the later – the failures to achieve our personal goals and dreams – these are the failures that we will regret. 

I once heard an analogy that made good, solid sense to me.  “When we evaluate our lives, we think about whether we’re becoming the person we’d like to be.  Those are the regrets that are going to stick with you, because they are what you look at through the windshield of life.  Regrets about our responsibilities and obligations are just potholes on the road.  Those were problems, but now they’re behind you.  Understandably, there are certain responsibility regrets that may be extremely painful and can haunt a person forever, but for most people those types of regrets are far outnumbered by the ways in which they fall short of their ideal selves.”

That is a mouthful to digest, but what I take from that is the simple fact that it isn’t enough to simply be responsible and do the right thing.  Yes, those things are important, but what is VITAL to fulfillment in this life is taking action when it comes to our individual hopes and dreams.  It isn’t enough to simply fulfill obligations – yes, in the short-term that can bring a sense of accomplishment.  However, if we avoid our true selves and/or continuously make excuses for our own inaction in regards to pursuing our hopes and dreams, that regret will stick around longer and be more damaging in the long run.  . 

That all being said, I come back around to my life as it is today – who I’ve become and what kind of life I’ve made for myself.  My life is starkly different from what I once envisioned for myself.  And, in all honesty, I have one item that I fiercely regret already, but I can still and WILL work on that.  BUT, my life is good.  I like where I am and who I am.  I enjoy the changing seasons of my life because, no matter what it is or it isn’t...

 

MY LIFE AND MY DREAMS ARE MY OWN.