SOUL MUD: Random Ramblings of my 24/7 Brain

 April 10 th is a difficult day.  I wake with an ache in my heart.    I check in with my brother as I did yesterday and Monday, knowing he is feeling the empty and raw emotion too.    I will check in with mom later in the day to hopefully spare her the pain as long as I can, though I know it never actually leaves her and haunts her every breath.    I honor my dad by recalling my favorite things about him throughout the day as I can tolerate the memories.  For the memories are as sweet as they are bitter in knowing that they are all that I have left of him…memories. 

  I think this entry is best broken into three parts.   In the words of Buzz from Home Alone, “A, 2 and D.”   Part A:   Bathroom Portals, Part 2: Life Right Now and Part D: The Conclusion.   Part A:  Bathroom Portals   A dear friend once told me that bathrooms are portals – portals to other dimensions, realms, or alternate realities.  Fundamentally suggesting a shortcut connecting two separate points in spacetime.  Besides hearing Doc’s voice in my head from Back to the Future, ( “coming face to face with herself thirty years older would put her into shock and she'd simply pass out. Or, the encounter could create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe!” ), the idea of portals has always intrigued me.  Traveling faster than the speed of light, or possibly being able to gain insight into the truly magical universe and/or expanding my understanding of energy, my

  “Twenty years was yesterday, and yesterday was just earlier this morning,  and morning seemed light-years away.” – Andre Aciman TWENTY YEARS?  Two decades?   I sit here and wonder…HOW?    W asn’t it just yesterday?...because the pain is still so fresh.   But wasn’t it forever ago?...because it seems like a 100 years since I’ve heard your laugh or seen your smile? I’ve felt rather morose for a few months now, knowing today was peeking up over the horizon at me in 2023.   It has weighed heavily on me.   I’ve spent so much time of late, wondering if is morbid to memorialize the day we lost you – or even disrespectful to invest so much emotion in remembrance of the last moments we had with you.   Maybe it is more appropriate to remain taciturn, or better yet maybe simply let the day pass with no mention of the sadness it evokes.   But somehow, that hurts worse.   Oh, Dad!   I miss you so much. You were a big presence and a big energy.   You laughed big, you loved big, you lived

 At one time or another, I would venture that we’ve all been in the uncomfortable position of being the unknown/new person in a group of established friends.  It can be awkward and uncomfortable.  And that is exactly where I was – in the middle of my own personal introvert-hell amongst a loud and boisterous group of people I didn’t know – when I gracelessly tripped into the middle of Mike’s world in Keystone, CO.  With an easy smile, he conveyed welcome, calm, friendliness and comfort.  My tortured introvert soul immediately identified him as a safe harbor.  My recollection of that evening centers around settling in next to Mike, playing cards and engaging in easy banter. A short time later, we traveled to Arizona to attend an ASU game.  Having mentioned that we were going to be in town, Mike invited us to stop by his tailgate party.  To me, it seemed to be an obligatory invitation, but we decided to briefly stop to say hello.  As we walked up, Mike not only greeted us as you wou

 This is a season of growth for me.   For the most part, I try to treat people how I want to be treated.  As is typical, my actions are a display of my expectations.   But beyond that I'm realizing my modus operandi is kind of a "bank-my-favors" kind of system.   I try to give freely, accept challenges, let others have their way, support without limits and cheerfully be a yes-person as often as possible.  BUT, the catch is...when I stumble, when I fall (as I know I will), when I want my way here and there, I expect my previous actions to be considered and I expect the "favor" to swing my way.   This often sets me up for big disappointment.  I find that the abrupt change, when I do stand strong on something, is rarely accepted as it may seem "out of character" or "not like me" ...and the resistance of accepting me and all my parts is disheartening.   I'm not claiming anything other than the self-awareness that this is how I am... and it hu

 We can't fight battles for other.  We aren't responsible to fix the problems others find themselves drowning in.  These are lessons that I have to remind myself of and need to learn over and over.  However, true compassion and love tends to propel us toward those we love.  We want to help and support those who mean the most to us - even if we don't know how.   This poem was inspired by dear friends and the love they so freely give.  Because true love knows no bounds.   RIGHT HERE By Autumn Boyet-Stinton   I see your eyes track the pieces             scattered all around… Bits of you tossed in the air             others crashing to the ground.   I feel your confusion wrapping             and choking out your sight… You shudder from the sun and light             and crave only the oblivion of darkest night.   The moments stall-out and freeze             the burn so hot you shatter… Hope found brittle in your fear again             of whether you still matter.   The hollow, i