Talk About a Meandering Mind...I'm Not Certain How to Title This One...(Tuesday, October 17, 2017)

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Have you ever stopped to think about fighting?  While the basis and reason for conflicts themselves are a mingled assemblage of circumstance, ferocity, meaning and motive, the fact remains that everyone fights.  But, it is the how of the fight, and the many times the moral barometer (and how far an individual is willing to push their own morals) of those involved in the conflict that determine the outcome – the winner and the loser.  

When I think of a fight, a school-yard scuffle pops into my mind.  You know the one.  The quintessential bully, picking on the defenseless kid who is three times smaller than him and yet, the smaller kid wins because he has more determination and will.  Don’t get me wrong, in a fight, physical strength can play a significant role in the outcome.  However, it seems that more often than not, drive and grit are factors that cannot be ignored.

I sat today rolling in my mind the basic construction of conflicts, fights, battles and wars.  No matter the type of fight waged - emotional, spiritual, physical, mental or otherwise – in my mind, (and I, by no means lay claim to being even remotely warfare strategy-minded) there are two roles that can be taken; 1. the offensive; 2. the defensive. 

In the larger scheme of things, I suppose that each individual is predisposed to play either an offensive or defensive roll as their personality dictates.  However, it only makes sense to me that the nature of the battle and what is being fought for may require us all to take up either offensive or defensive roles and maybe, at times, venture into both the offensive and defensive. 

I often contemplate who I am.  In the 4^th decade of my life, I find that I am very interested in knowing the real me –not the me that has compromised or been altered, but the me that is the crux of my existence, the soul of me.  And so, I think about myself, my tendencies and what I fight for – what I think is worth fighting for, and more so, how I fight based on my own ingrained morale barometer.  Do I fight fair?  Is there even such a thing as a fair fight?  Am I governed by an solely an emotional response, or are my means of waging war tempered with thoughtfulness? 

I’ve long known that that I come by my emotional responses and quick action tendencies honestly.  My father was one who identified, dissected and resolved conflicts in a timely matter so as to pave the way for growth and progress.  There was no lolly-gagging your way through an issue with my dad.  “Get to it and get over it” was his modus operandi.  My father’s justice was doled out swiftly.  And while sometimes unpleasant, I learned early that the best course of action was to accept it, adapt and then move on.  Simple enough.  If only!

I was shocked to find that the majority of society missed this memo and therefore, in my adult life however, this strategy proved to be not only frustrating, but many times impossible and detrimental to me.  I can’t even begin to list the times that I’ve found myself standing alone, after charging in assuming others were with me.  That tactic has a way of making you exposed and vulnerable.  And the thing is, I HATE to feel vulnerable.  It has taken me to personal soul searching to realize that vulnerability is not my forte.  It makes sense then that the storm in and take action persona fostered by my father was easily adapted into my own modus operandi.  What better way is there to hide your vulnerability than to storm your way past it and everyone else in haste, leaving a dust cloud that disorients and confuses?  It is ironic to think that what is construed as strength, (forging ahead in confidence), was in fact my own self-constructed armor against my vulnerability.  (But, vulnerability is a topic that I dare not delve into at this point as it is a bit of a rabbit hole for me. – I’ll come back to that some time.)

ANYWAY…Oh, how I wish my vision was as clear as my hind-sight.  What I could have saved myself.  (deep sigh)

It seems to me that our upbringing, role models and environments would play a significant role in the way that we as individuals fight and work to resolve conflict.  That being said, I don’t really recall my parents “fighting” in front of my brother and me.  I remember times that I was aware they were not on the same page about one thing or another, but those things were not allowed to linger and they most certainly weren’t hashed out in front of us.  I suppose that is why public displays of anger and aggression still shock and bewilder me. 

That being said, we had friends in town recently who commented on the way that Doug and I interact – as though we were each stubbornly always trying to prove the other wrong.  That thought struck me and made me recall a family road trip year ago.  A friend of mine was traveling with us and I recall her asking why my mom and dad were always “fighting.”  I remember looking at her like she had two heads.  I asked what she was talking about and she went on to explain that they went back and forth about who was right about the map, who was better at navigating, driving, etc.  The banter between my mom and dad didn’t seem like fighting or arguing to me, but it obviously did to her.  AND... it seems that I may do the same thing with my husband now. 

The issue that occurs to me is that while I may not see our interaction as fighting as a result of what I was used to seeing between my mom and dad, it may seem like fighting to others.  Of more importance to me is what Doug thinks about it.  I may be comfortable, but it is very important to know how he feels about it - if he is interpreting it as fighting, and is weary of it.  That is concerning.   

It seems that my meandering mind has brought me full circle – from thoughts of fighting to my own development around the art of fighting and back to how I can find growth in that.