SOUL MUD: Random Ramblings of my 24/7 Brain

There is always much more to the end of something than the actual end of it.   By definition, end is defined as:   1. the part of an area that lies at the boundary; 2. the point that marks the extent of something or where something ceases to exist; 3. the extreme of last part; 4. the cessation of a course of action, pursuit or activity; 5. an outcome worked toward; 6. the object by virtue of or for the sake of which an event takes place.   I recall a bible verse, (Ecclesiastes I believe) that says: “Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.”   Additionally, if I recall correctly, it was thought that the statement “whatever has a beginning as an end” (despite its rather current phrasing) was initially believed to go back to at least the early 1700’s.   But, if you remove the modern/contemporary translation that gives us that phrase in a manner in which we can understand it, you have to assume that it was a thought that was part of ancient philosoph...

I fell down a terrible rabbit whole.  Wait...   While this is true, I am getting ahead of myself a bit.   Let me try again.     First I’ll indulge in a little self-deprecation.   In honor of my dad who thought blonde jokes were the funniest jokes ever told (which I have grown to understand that they are actually very offensive) Here’s a joke that describes me recently:   Three blondes walk into a building…You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it! But I digress… Do you ever suddenly realize the universe, the powers that be, god, (whatever you want to call it), SOMETHING is trying to get your attention and you’ve been missing the hints for a while?   I like to kid myself into thinking that I am “aware” and “in tune” with things.   But, there are times that I blithely and quite literally, “blondely” miss things that are practically slapping me in the face.   I think it actually started subtlety, a few years ago…...

THE FRINGES - by Autumn Boyet Stinton   Along the fringes of my mind,                pictures come and go. I wonder of their origin,                and question what I know. As if through a pane of misty water,               my focus is all but clear.   Images fading in and out,                happiness, anxiety, serenity and fear. My imagination and experience,                take on the leading role. Dark and dim, vivid and bright,                conjured up within my soul.   The line is blurred or missing,     ...

I can see myself as though from a position above – a watcher, who can not only see the breadth and ferocity of my situation, but too, the depth of raw emotion that clouds me from my own ability to see.   I am lost in my vision of even myself.   I am crushed by a pressing weight of angst as it spreads through my chest causing pins and needles to crawl and twist up my neck thus creating the desperate need for me to gasp for air – pulling it in over the hot coals that reside in my chest.     I struggle as though breathing through sand, but I drag in a raged breath.   I gasp and draw not enough air – only enough to sustain life; only enough to feel the agony of my breath as it catches on the sharp edges protruding from my heart.   Each snag makes my soul cry out in despair.   But there is no stopping the pain, for it is also coursing through my blood – a river of molten desperation, restricted in flow and building pressure.   My closed eyes bul...

I do not deny – I AM FULL OF SHIT!     Seriously.   I tend to be wrapped up in my feelings, my thoughts, my excuses, my life …my shit!   If honest, we have to admit that we are all active participants in a 24/7 shit show.   Our society is self-absorbed, self-consumed, pleasure-driven and rarely do we stop to think about how our actions, words and deeds effect anyone else.   Have you ever stopped to consider the things that simply roll off your tongue compared to any actual follow up that you make to those words?   Have you ever bumped into someone, had a quick cordial chat and ended with, “Let’s get coffee and catch up” or simply, “We should connect soon!” How many times have you walked away, rolled your eyes or said under your breath, “Yeah, right!” or “What a tool!”   You’ve done it…I’ve done it.   Yep!   FULL OF SHIT! How about this one:   You have hundreds of people you are connected with on any one of a plethora of s...

I’m reading a book.   The name of the book is BlackFish City:   A Novel by Sam J. Miller (you should check it out on Amazon!).   It is a science-fiction book, which is not what I normally read.   However, I am enjoying this book.   Today, I read a line that stopped me in my tracks.   I read it and re-read it, and finally just sat and let the words tumble over and over in my mind.     “Life becomes significantly less stressful when you accept that your ignorance will always dwarf your knowledge.”   I can’t help but keep up the volley in my mind.   It goes something like this:   Book:   Life becomes significantly less stressful when you accept that your ignorance will always dwarf your knowledge…                               My brain:   …A free mind has humility. B...

There are times in my adult life that I am unable to do what "I" want.  I get bound up in the machinations of life that burden and weigh me down.  I know this is not unique to me, as is evident by the ever popular saying that you see all over that declares:  "I don't want to adult today!"  Most recently I am acutely aware of how life is railroading me and preventing me from carving out time to connect with my dearest friend.  As much as I hate it, this does happen every-so-often.  Our paths veer away from each other for a time.  And while I acutely feel her absence in my daily life as a hollow in my heart, the binds that connect us are strong and we always find our way back into the security of our close friendship.  Despite the fact that she remains in my heart and part of my being, the fact remains that I mourn her absence in my daily life.  I find that in the temporary distance I think of her more than ever.  I self-talk in my h...