Giving Up - Weakness or Strength? (11/18/2017)

I’ve always believed that giving up was a sign of weakness; proof that I didn’t have faith.  How could I claim to be strong and yet, give in to knowing I could not keep holding on; that I could not outlast the negative and ultimately get what my heart desired?

But somewhere along the way, the holding on and persistence began to do more than prod me.  It began to cut.  And with every slice, the wound became deeper and more painful.  The anguish of never attaining and always fighting became relentless.  The pain began to live within me.  It wrapped its fingers around my heart squeezing out only pain.   It suffocated joy and prevented me from feeling it for myself and others.  The pain mocked me and sneered at me as I mourned it, denying my heart’s desire.  And yet, I would not give up. 

I think hopefulness tends to be innate in most humans.  I became lost in being hopeful.  That hope became a fragmented dream that cut at all angles and slashed into my conscious world.  The hope became a crutch of weakness for me to lean on.  It prevented me from acknowledging the pain, accepting the pain and learning how to grow past the pain.  And yet, I would not give up. 

I’m going to digress a little bit here to ramble on a tangent about pain. 

Pain itself is a funny thing.  It is a warning system that something is wrong.  It is an intricate warning system to help us prepare for danger and act accordingly to mitigate or avoid said danger.  Our society seems to be a little twisted when it comes to pain.  Pain is incredibly subjective and personal, but in response to pain, we say terrible things to each other.  “Push through the pain!;” “Count your blessings.  At least…(stating  a tragedy that you haven’t been afflicted with);” And the one that makes me cringe - “It helps build character.”  Seriously!?!  Unless you are a masochist, that is a bunch of bologna!  Pain isn’t meant to build character, it is meant to indicate that something is wrong and indicate that we need to affect change.   

For the purposes of this rant, despite knowing that there are different kinds of pain,  (physical, mental and emotional pain), I am focusing on mental or emotional pain.  I am constantly confounded by now naïve our society is when it comes to our mental health.  If our bodies need maintenance, of course our minds and emotions need checkups and maintenance.  Why must there be a stigma with maintaining good mental health?  And why do we lump together pain, whether physical or emotional, as something to just “push through?” 

I’m not talking about the general ups and downs of life.  I’m talking about the kind of emotional distress that causes pain that eats at your soul.  The kind of emotional pain that is so intense that you actually feel physical pain.  If you haven’t ever experienced this kind of pain in your life, (I might call bullshit, but…), I guess I can admit that I am jealous.  But, I am digressing further than I should be...let me bring this back around to my point about giving up.

 As I mentioned, I’ve always associated giving up to weakness.  This has multiple meanings to me.  I felt as though I had something to prove by surviving through the disappointment and pain.  I also felt that giving up made me weak and meant that I didn’t love myself enough to believe I deserved my heart’s desire.  I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of articulating this, but the fact remains that I was unhappy and in pain because I couldn’t have what I knew I wanted down to the very core of who I am.  And worse, “pushing through,” “looking on the bright side,” “being grateful for what I did have,” and thinking “there is a reason for everything,” was only terrorizing my psyche, giving me regrets and causing me more pain.

I need to evolve.  I need to grow.  Yes, I know that growing can be painful as well. But, here’s the thing that I am coming to realize:  My pain comes from not being able to achieve what I wanted.  My regrets come from wasting so much of my life pursuing what I can't have and putting up with my own bullshit pain.  And in reality, I'm not being strong.  I'm indulging in an  endless, dreadful cycle of weakness and pain. AND, it is totally self-inflicted. 

But I can do something about it.  I can begin the process of healing.  And that may mean actually giving up.    

Maybe giving up means that I am strong enough to let go.