Letting Go - Not My Strong Suit (11/20/2017)

Man-o-man!  I SUCK at this “letting go” thing!  I think I get it, only to find out that I am way out of my league and in fact, mired in my own pathetic “not letting go” mess!  (Yes, I realize that I put an exclamation point on every sentence thus far.  I’m really stressed about my inability to LET IT GO!)

 ((((DEEP BREATH))))

Here’s the thing – the thing I know about myself:  I feel things.  No… I really FEEEEEEEL things.  Many times I feel things and absorb energies that aren’t mine and I don’t want, but that is another tangent in itself… (focus, Autumn).  Anyway,  I don’t waste my time, energy, emotion, empathy and caring on people or things that don’t matter greatly to me.  Therefore, I have deep emotional attachments that become part of me.  I get the concept of letting go, but when it comes down to it and I need to let go, it feels like I’m trying to disregard something that I have a deep connection to.  It feels as though I’m trying to carve out a piece of my flesh and be giddy about it and that simply doesn’t resonate with me. 

The thing about letting go is, as simple as it is for me to say, I’m finding it is much more complex than just moving on.  I read something once that said that holding on is about thinking that we can change the circumstance, and as erroneous as that thought process is, it comes from a stage of grief called bargaining.  Even though that is just one small sentence, there is a lot there for me to consider.  1.  Thinking I can change the outcome – Yep!  Sure!  That sounds like me.  I am and have always been a confident, strong individual that prides myself in rising to the occasion and taking on…and succeeding at…whatever I put my mind to.  That’s not only who I am, but what was fostered in me growing up.  2.  A stage of grief – Grief can be life-altering.  There are stages, (7 if I remember correctly – Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing & Acceptance) and the time needed to visit, recognize and accept each stage is individual.  3.  Bargaining - And here I get tripped up again.  I can say, without doubt that I have and do bargain with myself.  And, if I am completely honest, I’ve prevented myself from feeling sad by holding out hope for too long.  And that means that I have been unable to simply let go.    I’m stuck because to let go would mean feeling, actually feeling, the sorrow but also being willing and able to integrate my old ideas and thoughts the acceptance of the loss itself into a newer, more mature me. 

Ugh!  That seems to be wishful thinking at this point.  It feels unattainable.  Don’t get me wrong, the idea of truly living in the here and now is a beautiful thing.  It means that I accept that what happened is done; I am no longer giving time, energy and meaning to things that don’t exist or didn’t happen.  I am willing to lay to rest old ideas and desires and simply allow them to remain there so they don’t block the light of joy in my life right now. 

But, here I am.  Still trying to figure out what it means to let go when what I’m trying to let go of feels like an essential piece of my heart, soul, and identity.

I know what needs to happen. 

I know that I need to stop future thinking - believing I can’t be happy or I’ll be happy when… I haven’t figured out how to balance two the emotions - believing that I have the right to be happy, but feeling the deep grief I feel without my heart’s desire.  How do I teach myself that life isn’t making a choice between the two emotions, but rather learning to balance and integrate them both into my reality?  How can I hold both, but still be happy?

I also know that I am seriously attached to how I think things should be – past thinking.  Being in control and being a planner, I had no little open spots in my plan.  I thought it all out and was/am very attached to how I think my life should be.  And, as a result, I’ve created some pretty staunch beliefs and universal truths for myself.  It is ridiculously difficult to let go of the universal truths that I have made for myself.  I carved them in stone and have carried them around for so long that I honestly feel that if they are not achieved, I am being punished – that I am being denied happiness.  I easily find myself asking, “What did I do?  Tell me, please I swear, I’ll never do it again!”  But the reality is, maybe things are exactly how they should be right now.  I just don’t know how to accept that.  Yes, I get it.  It is all about focusing my attention on lacking rather than abundance – on wishful thinking instead of reality.  So I can recognize my should-be thinking and I am “should-ing” all over myself, but how do I got one step further and shift my thoughts toward appreciation for what I do have?  Gratitude.  It is a key element to joyful living.  No doubt, I might be seriously lacking in gratitude. 

Lastly, I think I pigeon-hole myself.  I do this thing where I tell myself that there are just some wounds that I can never heal from.  The type of definitive thinking is so hurtful and yet I am so good at it.  I think back to a broken heart that left such a wound that I felt like a wound that would never heal.  But it did.  In the meantime, I learned so much about love, life, and my own capacity to be resilient.  But, if I am honest, this one, this lacking feels like it has left such a void.  It feels like that void took part of who I am.  I struggle with the empty spot and how to fill it. 

And so I find myself in a bit of a limbo-like state.  I know somethings.  I know that the human heart and our souls have the capacity to overcome almost anything.  I know that if I can let go of the very thought that I won’t be able to overcome this, I can open a part of myself up that has endless potential.  I know that is takes time and sometimes help.  I know it isn’t easy and will take effort and soulful work.  I know that there is a lot of introspection and honest evaluation of what’s true and what’s not.  I know that healing these wounds can be amazingly transformative and powerful.  I do.  I know that…deep down.

But…I it feels overwhelming.  How do I let go of things, thoughts and ideas that are not serving me?  How do I go beyond just knowing these things?  How do I live them?

((sigh))