Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow: A True Love (January 7, 2019)

A promise is a pledge, a vow, an oath, a commitment, a covenant, an agreement, a guarantee, a bond, a declaration or assurance.  And yet, sadly, it seems to me that promises have become of little consequence in our society. 

I started writing this way back in August, just after our 13^th wedding anniversary.  I’m not certain as to why I stopped writing, but I stumbled across this half-written thought while contemplating the New Year and what my priorities are and I couldn’t help but breathe new life into this thought process. 

I’ve been very thinking a lot about the commitment of marriage.  My mind has wandered over the weddings I’ve been to or been part of in my life.  I’ve contemplated the vows I’ve heard people say to each other and I’ve thought very seriously about the vows I promised to Doug and the vows that he made to me.   I have dissected our relationship and our marriage and thought about what it all means to me. 

I can honestly say that I don’t think I fully understood the full weight of what a marriage is when I was first married.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew that I was committing myself to Doug, but the vast alliance of a marriage and the weight of a life-long bond has taken time to settle in on me. 

It seems to me, looking back, that it was easy for me to say the words, almost like they were just part of the event itself.  But it is with the passing of years - of real life - that the significance of what that promise actually meant and means to me has begun to really take hold in my heart. 

Finding a friend and building a relationship is special.  A new relationship is sparkly and shiny.  It is interesting to learn and get to know someone.  It takes time and effort, but the majority of the time, the fun outweighs any conflict that arises.    If two people have common interests and spend time doing fun things, it doesn’t take long to become friends.  Lives intertwine and things progress quickly.  Suddenly, in the midst of today, you share a yesterday.  At that point, marriage becomes the next logical step for most.  It’s almost an expectation, and sharing a past and loving today seem like enough. 

However, what I have learned and am still learning is that all too often it is the sharing of the tomorrow that is most important and often over looked.  Here’s what I mean by that:

Yesterday:  Hind sight they say is 20/20.  It is easy to reflect back on what you’ve made it through together and underplay the hardship.  It is much easier to focus on the positive and leave the trauma and discontent unearthed, recalling the outcome and forgetting the strain.  History seems valuable and worthy of love and commitment. 

Today:  Today isn’t tricky at all.  Today is life and life is busy.  It is easy to become wrapped up in the mundane machinations of the day-to-day, and having the security of someone by your side is more than just comforting, it is fun.  Camaraderie blossoms into affection and caring and that can usually sustain love. 

Tomorrow:  I always think of this lovely stained glass piece my mom had on her nightstand for as long as I can recall.  It said:  “ I love you more today than yesterday, but darling not as much as tomorrow.”  And so I must have just believed that was what happened.  If you loved someone, it just covered everything – yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Oh it sounds quite lovely, does it not?  But, I hasten to tell you that it isn’t that easy.  The tomorrow is the difficult part.  We say in our vows that we promise to love and cherish someone unconditionally, until death.  Quite romantic, I say! And yet tomorrow is the unknown.  Nothing about tomorrow is guaranteed, sure, certain, protected or promised, and that is a whole lot of uncertainty. 

Here’s the thing about uncertainty, as normal as challenges and periods of uncertainty are in the human experience – humans don’t do so well with it, especially when something is significant to us.  Uncertainty causes us anxiety, stress, contempt, worry, intolerance, doubt and fear and these emotions are tracks laid to a train wreck if left unattended.   But the basic truth of it all is that life just works that way and that uncertainty can help us grow.  Uncertainty can promote the evolution of our consciousness and make room for change and growth.  And that is where the train often derails.   

A tomorrow for a married couple has to be shared.  That means that individual growth and change must be communicated and faced together.  If open communication is lacking, it is easy to suddenly find yourself on, not only a different path, but sometimes a path leading in a different direction and then your tomorrows don’t align.  That doesn’t have to be the end of the track for a marriage, but it isn’t an easy place to be.  More often than not, two people grow apart and each find themselves feeling alone, abandoned, slighted and hurt.  It usually isn’t a conscious thing.  Life has a way of filling our band-width with more than we can handle and we often put off doing maintenance on the things that worry us the least.  As a matter of fact, it is sometimes that very sense of comfort and security that prevents us from doing the maintenance that should be a priority.  But, is that the end?  Is it over?

That is a frightening place to be.  But, it isn’t necessarily the end.  It isn’t a fun or reassuring place to find oneself.  It is disorienting and disheartening.  But, a couple can re-cultivate a tomorrow.  It will take a lot of effort, understanding, respect, love and a tremendous commitment – a refresher and redefining of the commitment you made in your marriage vow.  It is possible – and going forward together toward a shared tomorrow is really the trifecta of a true and lasting love. 

I love my husband with all my heart and soul.  He makes me a better person.  I feel at home in the crook of his arm.  I feel loved in the sparkle of his eye.  I feel protected in the shadow of his face. I feel secure in his love today, as I did yesterday and will tomorrow.