Mind Purge: I think my brain is grid-locked. (4/2/2018)

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the term PEACEMAKER. 

 

I have a friend whose husband is a Peacemaker – quite literally.  He is an activist, and artist and a person that inspires many people to kindness, happiness and in my case, to be true to my north start – the spark in my heart that is the truest most beautiful part of my being.  (I could digress into a whole other line of thinking when I begin contemplating my north star…but I’ll try to stay on track here!)  But, back to my friend’s husband…  He is very much in the public eye which, the more I think about it, is a difficult place to exist.  She recently told me that in his public life, he strives to walk the fine line of bringing people together and bridging the vast differences that polarize us.  That got me to thinking about the selfless manner in which he leads his life and brings his medicine to the world.  But, more than that, it got me to thinking about the type of person that I am…or more importantly, the type of person that I would like to be. 

 

By definition, a peacemaker strives to make peace, especially in reconciling parties who disagree or fight. 

 

Ironically, I tend to associate being a pacifist or a peacemaker as someone who doesn’t engage.  However, the simple definition (above) denotes a whole lot more that standing by idlily.  Being a peacemaker doesn’t mean standing still, allowing someone to repeatedly punch you in the face.  If that is what you think, I challenge you to stop and think about their perception.  Ok, so maybe you don’t retaliate (violence for violence), but that doesn’t mean that a peacemaker is just off the hook when/if it comes to fighting and standing up for what is right. 

 

A peacemaker just has to look at it a different way.  A peacemaker learns to fight a different way. 

 

Thinking that we can avoid violence by avoiding conflict is a trap.  How many times have we heard someone say, “Just don’t get involved?”  However, I would argue that silence can also be a violent act.  When faced with evil, there is in fact, no such thing as neutral.  When you don’t speak up against wrong, in any form, I believe that you are choosing to side with it.         

Does not promoting justice in fact, actually promote peace?  And isn’t that real job of a peacemaker – to strive to open doors to make peace possible?  Free will prevents us from dictating what others think, say or do, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t still promote peace by making room for it; by being open to it; and sometimes by shoving the door open to see who will step through. 

 

And then there is forgiveness….

 

Over and over, (sometimes to my detriment), I find that I desire to forgive.  But, I get tripped up here a bit.  I don’t understand how to forgive without attempting to justify the action that led to me feeling wronged.  Admittedly, I feel a strong sense of right and wrong and I struggle with people being accountable for their actions and the fact that I shouldn’t (and most likely won’t) justify any action that causes pain or suffering.  So, how to forgive - to actually FORGIVE - I don’t know how to do that seeing as I believe we are individually accountable for the things that we do.  In my head I hear the principal that says, “To forgive is to forget.”  This is where I struggle.  Characteristically, I tend to be a pretty black and white person.  There is right, there is wrong.  There is good, there is bad.  It is really simple in my mind.  Therefore, while I think I forgive, I know that I am a failure when it comes to forgiveness because I have not mastered how to forget.  I hold onto and recall injustices.  I keep account.  And so, I’ve always classified myself as a forgiveness failure and therefore, I couldn’t see how I could be a peacemaker.  ((sigh)) 
 

What I’m discovering as I get older is that the lack of forgiveness ultimately hurts me more than anyone else.  Being unable to forgive breeds anger and bitterness that effects my attitude, my health and my own capacity for joy and happiness.   It’s not as though I don’t recognize that life changes and if I don’t want to be stagnant, I have to adapt and change.  I get that.  But, I also know myself well enough to know that I hold grudges.  Seriously, if it was a marketable skill, I’d have the market locked up!  So…now what?

 

Here’s what I’ve been thinking.  I don’t know that forgetting is: 1. Possible or 2. Even the healthy way to go about it.  Let me explain.

 

When we have a conflict, it is a result of differences.  Differences in person, background, opinion, etc.  We are unique individuals with free will and therefore, what strikes one person may not even register with someone else.  I understand that.  However, my grudge holding comes not simply from a difference in opinion, but when I feel as though actions where intentional despite understanding they would hurt me, or when no attempt to understand me or my feelings was made.  To be that is disrespectful and grudge worthy. 

 

And yet, I can step back and realize this:  1.  No one is going to be able to understand me to the level I desire because no one is in my mind or knows what I know.  2.  It is only fair to me to spend the effort to candidly communicate and “speak my truth” about a particular situation. 

 

That being said, it is vital to realize that may be all I get and that needs to be enough.  I can’t expect a specific response.  I can’t demand understanding.  What I can do is be true to myself and then decide to learn from the experience instead of forgetting it.  What’s more, good people sometimes do bad things and their intentions might actually be good.  So, is forgiving and forgetting possible?

 

No.  I don’t believe that forgetting is possible.  That is counter-intuitive as humans.  But more so, I don’t think that forgetting would be the right answer anyway.  Forgetting would be the lazy way to move forward.  Forgetting means that we act as though something has never happened and there are then no consequences, nor are there opportunities to learn and grow.  We encounter different circumstance, people and situation during out lifetime and I believe that instead of sticking our heads in the sand and forgetting, we need to learn from each situation and then move past it.  That is what forgiveness is – moving past. 

 

And so, my mind rambles back to my desire to be remembered as a peacemaker and what that might mean for me.  I read a quote that resonated with me recently.  It said: “I want to be the girl who makes your bad days better.  The girl that makes you say, ‘My life has changed since I met her.’” 

 

I guess when I think about who I am and who I want to be - or better yet, how I want to be remembered, I desire to simply be remembered as a having left a positive mark on those in my life. 

 

I never thought of myself as a peacemaker because I don’t shy away from conflict and believe that it is better to address a problem and move on.  But, I’m not so sure that equates to not being a peacemaker.  I find some peacemaker traits are characteristic of who I am.  I like to be a people-pleaser.  I am friendly.  I am agreeable.  I am adaptable.  I am empathetic.  I believe peace and harmony should be our focus.  But fear of conflict does not fit me.  Conflict is a given in life and I believe that you must accept it, face it, work through it, learn from it and then go on about pursuing peace and harmony. 

Upon taking a moment to review what I just wrote, I think that one thing is clear.  I have lost my ever-loving mind!  This entry proves that my thoughts are all over and that I am most certainly having trouble sustaining a single thought pattern despite the fact that it seemed very fluid and logical as I was thinking/writing it all out. 

 

That being said, I think I will dismiss this line of thinking and trying to make it make any sense and simply chalk this entry up to the need to purge the staggering amount of random thoughts that fill my mind. 

 

That is all.