SOUL MUD: Random Ramblings of my 24/7 Brain

 No.  I'm NOT ok.   You should not be ok, either.   It isn't as simple as moving forward and respecting each other and each other's opinions.   If you in anyway supported or voted Trump back into office, you are not my friend.  You voted for HATE You voted for BIGOTRY You voted for DECEIT  You voted for FACISM You voted for CRUELTY You voted for GREED You voted for EVIL You voted against DEMOCRACY  You voted against FREEDOM You voted against EQUALITY You voted against KINDNESS You voted against HUMANITY  You voted against PEACE You voted against me.  But worse... You voted against yourself.  When I look at what just happened, I am most heart broken and OUTRAGED to clearly see a fatal flaw in some humans.  It isn't just about being a good human - you know: kind, empathetic, understanding, helping, telling the truth, etc. - It's a matter of MORAL ETHICS.  You know "moral ethics...the internal rules that make you who you are ...

 April 10 th is a difficult day.  I wake with an ache in my heart.    I check in with my brother as I did yesterday and Monday, knowing he is feeling the empty and raw emotion too.    I will check in with mom later in the day to hopefully spare her the pain as long as I can, though I know it never actually leaves her and haunts her every breath.    I honor my dad by recalling my favorite things about him throughout the day as I can tolerate the memories.  For the memories are as sweet as they are bitter in knowing that they are all that I have left of him…memories. 

  I think this entry is best broken into three parts.   In the words of Buzz from Home Alone, “A, 2 and D.”   Part A:   Bathroom Portals, Part 2: Life Right Now and Part D: The Conclusion.   Part A:  Bathroom Portals   A dear friend once told me that bathrooms are portals – portals to other dimensions, realms, or alternate realities.  Fundamentally suggesting a shortcut connecting two separate points in spacetime.  Besides hearing Doc’s voice in my head from Back to the Future, ( “coming face to face with herself thirty years older would put her into shock and she'd simply pass out. Or, the encounter could create a time paradox, the result of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe!” ), the idea of portals has always intrigued me.  Traveling faster than the speed of light, or possibly being able to gain insight into the truly magical universe an...

  “Twenty years was yesterday, and yesterday was just earlier this morning,  and morning seemed light-years away.” – Andre Aciman TWENTY YEARS?  Two decades?   I sit here and wonder…HOW?    W asn’t it just yesterday?...because the pain is still so fresh.   But wasn’t it forever ago?...because it seems like a 100 years since I’ve heard your laugh or seen your smile? I’ve felt rather morose for a few months now, knowing today was peeking up over the horizon at me in 2023.   It has weighed heavily on me.   I’ve spent so much time of late, wondering if is morbid to memorialize the day we lost you – or even disrespectful to invest so much emotion in remembrance of the last moments we had with you.   Maybe it is more appropriate to remain taciturn, or better yet maybe simply let the day pass with no mention of the sadness it evokes.   But somehow, that hurts worse.   Oh, Dad!   I miss you so much. You were a b...

 At one time or another, I would venture that we’ve all been in the uncomfortable position of being the unknown/new person in a group of established friends.  It can be awkward and uncomfortable.  And that is exactly where I was – in the middle of my own personal introvert-hell amongst a loud and boisterous group of people I didn’t know – when I gracelessly tripped into the middle of Mike’s world in Keystone, CO.  With an easy smile, he conveyed welcome, calm, friendliness and comfort.  My tortured introvert soul immediately identified him as a safe harbor.  My recollection of that evening centers around settling in next to Mike, playing cards and engaging in easy banter. A short time later, we traveled to Arizona to attend an ASU game.  Having mentioned that we were going to be in town, Mike invited us to stop by his tailgate party.  To me, it seemed to be an obligatory invitation, but we decided to briefly stop to say hello.  As we wa...

 This is a season of growth for me.   For the most part, I try to treat people how I want to be treated.  As is typical, my actions are a display of my expectations.   But beyond that I'm realizing my modus operandi is kind of a "bank-my-favors" kind of system.   I try to give freely, accept challenges, let others have their way, support without limits and cheerfully be a yes-person as often as possible.  BUT, the catch is...when I stumble, when I fall (as I know I will), when I want my way here and there, I expect my previous actions to be considered and I expect the "favor" to swing my way.   This often sets me up for big disappointment.  I find that the abrupt change, when I do stand strong on something, is rarely accepted as it may seem "out of character" or "not like me" ...and the resistance of accepting me and all my parts is disheartening.   I'm not claiming anything other than the self-awareness that this is how I am... and it hu...

 We can't fight battles for other.  We aren't responsible to fix the problems others find themselves drowning in.  These are lessons that I have to remind myself of and need to learn over and over.  However, true compassion and love tends to propel us toward those we love.  We want to help and support those who mean the most to us - even if we don't know how.   This poem was inspired by dear friends and the love they so freely give.  Because true love knows no bounds.   RIGHT HERE By Autumn Boyet-Stinton   I see your eyes track the pieces             scattered all around… Bits of you tossed in the air             others crashing to the ground.   I feel your confusion wrapping             and choking out your sight… You shudder from the sun and light   ...

 Art -  noun 1.  the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power. By simple definition it makes sense that art can be a powerful means of connecting us - whether the artist who is doling out powerful expressions of themselves, or the one appreciating the creation because of its beauty, or maybe because it speaks to them and/or for them in a way they can relate to on a much deeper, more intimate level.  A piece of art created with inspiration and intention can be, for the artist, an expression that may otherwise never be given the space to surface.  That same expression may also end up giving a voice to thoughts and feeling of one who may otherwise struggle in that expression.  And what's more, the arts provide a vital means of connection in our society.  Art is truly a gift.  In the expres...

A couple of days ago, in an attempt to verbalize how I was feeling, I turned to my husband and said, "I feel as though I'm standing in the midst of a myriad of broken mirror pieces."  To which he replied, "What does that mean?" I sat with those feelings for a couple days.  And then, yesterday, the words came.  And so, I made the post "The Shattered Mirror of Me - by Autumn Boyet-Stinton" here on my blog.   In honesty, I forgot that my blog "auto-publishes" to my FB feed, (I think I was successful in changing that option) so, I was initially confused to have friends reach out to me privately to see if I was "ok."  Once I figured out what they were responding to, I was moved by their concern.  However, what struck me most and what prevented me from taking the post down (because I didn't want to cause concern) was that everyone I spoke to, said that my words, however personal, resonated with them.   . .."My expression of my ve...

  The Shattered Mirror of Me – Autumn Boyet-Stinton 10/5/2022 Jagged pieces of my psyche surround me, shattered at my feet and ankles.  A million mirrored bits that no longer make a whole.  Each edge glimmering with the power to puncture, slice and slay, individually harming  in seemingly minute ways.  Yet combined, they drain from me life force.  A small seeping, that ever so slightly, weakens my spirit and taxes my soul.    I am aware of this gradual depletion, this slipping of control, but I know not how to stop what seems to be the inevitable.  And I am lost to myself.    Reflective pieces surround me and construe reality into something unfamiliar and unrecognizable to my own eyes.  Segments of me and my life peek back in broken pieces, confusing my reality, reflecting me in obscurity.  There are glimmers of recognition, moments in which the reflections mimic reality.  Not quite in focus, never fully see...

 So, I was sitting here thinking:  I gotta figure out how to do something that makes a difference in this world.   Gahhh!   I gotta get my poop in a group and figure out a way to make a difference... I mean... I'm not getting any younger... tick-tock!   But, what do I do?  What can I contribute to my community, my region, my country, my world that will have a meaningful impact?  I feel like being mindful of my contributions to the betterment of our planet, and thus our civilization for generations to come... It's important.  It's vital.   At the same time, it feels so big...actually HUGE to take on the idea that I could make a big impact.  And, I feel fairly certain that I'm over-ASSuming my self-importance.   Ok...so what CAN I do.  What are others doing that gives them a deeper sense of meaning in their current existence?  I would venture a guess that it's pretty individual - depending on the individual's emotional, phys...

  The Sunflower By Autumn Boyet-Stinton - February 8, 2022 Petals of yellow bright as the sun’s rays Towering majestically on warm summer days.   Thousands of buds showcased as one whole A symbol of happiness and luck they extol.   Faces turned up t’ward the sharp blue-bird sky Following the sun till’ the day says goodbye.   Named for the sun its face does reflect A bright disposition they seem to affect.   Yet, their beauty is more than simple cliché Deep-rooted and cleansing a bounty of seeds on the way.   So, look to the sunflower for it may inspire Positivity and strength good traits to admire.  Shine on sunflower! 

Here we are…on the cusp of a New Year.  ( ß Notice no exclamation point.)  2022 is on the doorstep, ready to dawn a new year…and I have feelings.  Big feelings.  Mucky feelings.  “Soul Mud” if you will.  2020 was “the year the didn’t happen.”  As for 2021, I am starting to think that it was “the year that we wish didn’t happen.”  If you know me, you know that I feel that New Years resolutions are ridiculous.  They don’t work for me.  They are just a list of things that I either know I should do better at, or have been conditioned to believe will make me happier.  So I tend to just “reflect” over the past year as a new year gets ready to dawn.  I try to recall the ups and downs, find reasons to be grateful and things to look forward to in the upcoming months.  There were a lot of events, trips, special memories and opportunities for us to be with our friends and family this past year.  I am very grateful for all...